Monday, April 30, 2007

"Please hold all applause until the end...."

I hope I can entertain and take you away from work for a few moments.

TOP TEN things that need to change (and solution):

10. Fast teenage drivers. SOLUTION: Steeper fines for speeding under the age of 21 and minimum horsepower cars for intital registration.
9. Slow elderly drivers. SOLUTION: Opposite of #10.
8. Tickle/Dancing/Hug Me Elmo. SOLUTION: Where to start?
7. Smokers. SOLUTION: REALLY raise tax and only raise their insurance rates without affecting everyone elses.
6. Country Music "twang" sound. SOLUTION: Make the singers eat nothing but Premium Saltine crackers all day.
5. Potholes. SOLUTION: FILL THEM UP ! ! It can't be that expensive
4. Mopeds. SOLUTION: Stop getting DUI's and your license suspended.
3. Cold toilet seats. SOLUTION: Save everything for the summer.
2. New York Yankees. SOLUTION: Unfortunately, there isn't one.
1. Arrogant rich people. SOLUTION: SOUL SEARCHING. You didn't build this world so what makes you think you own it.



My Favorite Songs:

1. MORE THAN A FEELING by Boston
2. THUNDERSTRUCK by AC/DC
3. DON'T FEAR (THE REAPER) by Blue Oyster Cult
4. PEARL NECKLACE by ZZ Top
5. LISTEN TO THE MUSIC by The Doobie Brothers



Things to Ponder today:

Have you ever had one piece of paper and two paper clips?
How could you possible consider splitting a "chicklet" with someone else?
Turkey or Chicken gravy?
Michael Jackson or Prince?
Why are gas prices rounded to the nearest tenth? Do you have a "tenth" cent?
Why is our paper currency all the same size?
How much "proof" do you need to know that it is liquor?
Does "dry beer" leave a wet spot when it is spilled?
Why don't women leave the seat up?

How many can you answer correctly? (answer below)

1. What seperates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
2. Half of all american's live witin 50 miles of what?

3. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
4. What do 100% of all lottery winner's do?
5. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you find the letter "A"?
6. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? 7. What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured in every episode of Seinfeld?
8. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
9. What common everyday occurrence is compose of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% dioxide, and 0% love?
10. About 1/3 of all americans say they do this while sitting?


Answers:


1. No theme song/music
2. Their birthplace. This is propinquity
3. Wash their hands. Women ~ 80% and Men ~55%
4. Gain weight
5. One thousand
6. All were invented by women
7. Superman, either by name, pictures, or on Jerry's refridgerator
8. Snoop in your medicine cabinet
9. A fart
10. Flush the toilet


PEACE

4 comments:

Gotta Run said...

Cool list. And these are the thoughts that float around in that head of yours. You are someting!!!

Question: What color are these paper clips? :)

David said...

Getting lots of work done today?

Jason The Running Man said...

I agree...why don't women leave the seat up?

Mendy said...

Okay, I actually love the tickle me Elmo. I have one, uhh... I mean Grace has one. :-) He's funny.

I knew the one about superman on Seinfeld. Did you know that George wore the same sneakers on every show taping for 9 years? They were Nike's and he stole them when the show ended.