"...please hold you applause until the end."

AHHH...we are here...."THE MOTHER OF ALL BLOGS"....finally has arrived. MMM...can you smell it in the air. I can....or maybe that was - hold on a sec....I have to go across the hall...

I AM BACK ! ! ! Refreshed and feeling 3 pounds lighter.

So where do I start? Oh yeah...this isn't really the MOTHER OF ALL BLOGS...I just said that to keep everyone one "their toes"...Do they hurt yet? Anyways...let me start my "banter"....

FIRST...to that guy that hit me with their car the other day as I was crossing the street- here is a personal message for you:

"You stupid ass driver. When the hand is green, I walk and you stop. When the hand is blinking red, I continue to walk (no one else can start) and you must continue to wait. When the hand is solid red...I WILL BE OUT OF YOUR WAY ! ! ! ! Next time I see you downtown (believe me, I have been looking for your SUV), I will get your plate number. And don't EVER belittle me by saying "RED MEANS STOP" in that "patronizing voice" you arrogant, rich asshole. You need to GROW UP and restudy you DMV book ! ! ! ! Oh, by the way...I feel sorry for you becuase your day 'will come' and you probably will go broke because of it. Have fun - I hope your wife loves you enough to stay with you".

AHHHHH....that felt good. He pretty much heard the exact same thing the other day, but feels good to yell at my computer screen. Finally...CLOSURE. Thank you....

SECOND - Probably should have been the first point...but I LOVE being part of the RED SOX NATION right now. They are 10-1/2 games ahead of the Yankees with 118 games to play. Sure everyone says that it is too early in the season...YEAH....RIGHT. Let me do the math for you and you decide if it is too early in the season to be excited. The RED SOX are 31-13 (best record in baseball) and have a .704 winning percentage (again, tops). If the Sox play the same percentage ball till the end of the season...they will have a final record of 114-48 with 83 more wins from this day on. That means the Yanks would have to win 94 games - out of 118 remaining ! ! ! That would be a winning percentage of .798. Just to let you know....no team has every sustained a pace like that.....and oh, they still play the RED SOX 9 more times and the SOX are 6-2 against the Yanks so far. Not going to happen. Babe Ruth may as well roll over in his grave and let me spank him. Hell, I will let him spank me if the Yanks pull this one out.

THIRD - I am thinking about getting a membership at the Westside Aquatic Center so I can train for the Greenville Sprint Tri in a 50 meter pool. That reminds me.....(hold on-dialing the center).....(place Jeopardy theme here)....CRAP...no answer. I am not leaving an answer. If they can't have anyone use my tax dollars to answer the phone, then I am not talking into a machine.

FOURTH - I was talking to my brother the other day and we were having a good chat. He then says "hold on, I have another call coming in". He clicked over and I hung up. If he doesn't think that my phone call is important to him, it is not important for me to stay on the line. It is amazing how so many people are rude like that. Think about it...if they are talking to you - in person - do they say..."Stand right there, I have another friend I am going to walk over and talk to"? JUST TELL ME I AM BORING YOU...IT WON'T STING AS MUCH.

Other TIDBITS:

1. I was watching X-MEN - The Last Stand movie the other day and couldn't help but notice what an "awful" job Halle Berry did playing Storm. Should have kept her lines to say...none...and let Wolverine do all the talking

2.. I recieved 3 Learn to Speak Chinese DVDs from the China office the other day. Two of them do not work - and the third...it is in Chinese.

3. I have a great family, a nice house, great friends, and an excellent job....so WHY do I let other people "snub" me or talk down to me? Who are they? What makes them think they are better than me? NEWS FLASH PEOPLE....I also have a hotter wife than you.

4. David, beer?

Thank you to everyone that reads my blogs on a daily basis. I am sorry that I sometimes do not post on yours, but I do read them and enjoy them.

UP NEXT TIME....The FATHER OF ALL BLOGS ??? NAH....post a few things in your comments.....major goal in life, favorite color, number and a noun that starts with C along with the city where you were born....YOU WILL SEE....STAY TUNED.....

STAY TUNED FOR THE "MOTHER" OF ALL BLOGS

WHAT A STRANGE WORLD

The world is a strange place...with many unknowns. We send our eyes around corners before our bodies and we always keep a light on in the back of our mind. But there is one thing that never changes, never judges, and never stops loving us. That is our spouse.

I know you are probably sitting back and wondering why i am writing about something that would seem to be a "far stretch" from my past blogs. There is only one reason. My wife has returned from a weekend trip with her sister, and her return was much anticipated.

When she leaves I feel lost - almost completely out of place - in this strange world. I have lived 34 years before I married Robin and she is gone for a weekend and I am lost. Almost as if I am a sad child who is lost in a store or an elderly person lost looking for a car in the parking lot.

Sure I was fine when she was gone, I kept up the normal weekend chores and did the weekly shopping. But still, without her here, something was missing. Something deep in my eyes that allows me to "look around the corner before my body"...and something deep in the back of the mind that "keeps the light on for me".

I know my wife really loved the time she spend with her sister. But for her to arrive home after what seemed and eternity was one of the best moments of our marriage.

Yep...it's a strange world.

"C" is for COOKIE

It is Wednesday morning (9:40am) and the first phone call from my wife was to let me know that my "diet sucks". She is right. I will explain why.

As I try to get back into shape there are several ways that I can accomplish it. The most obvious is to exercise more - which I have been doing at a moderate pace..just not where I need to be....

You know what...everyone knows how to exercise so I will not bore you with those details. Let's take a look at some of my favorite foods - over the last week - and show the benefits from eating them.

McDonalds Chicken Nuggets - Protein..need I say more.
Smarties - FRUIT GROUP ! !
Beer - builds biceps and forearms (depending on how you hold the bottle)

And finally, the other three things of JUNK I had this week are DORITOS (dairy group), BREWSTERS (dairy group), and a BIG COOKIE with ICE CREAM (dairy group) and Chocolate sauce on it (SURVIVOR TREAT)....did I mention that my wife had all of these as well?

It is hard to eat right only becuase all the crap food taste so good. At work, I eat VERY WELL and I haven't had a beer in 2 days (shaking, shaking). But I keep trying...and exercising is picking up a bit.

So without further delay...her is a list of food that I LOVE THE MOST...(in order)

5. Orange Sherbert - good for you...just not in the portions I have
4. Smartees - little orgasim in your mouth
3. Medium Rare meat - any type (will wait for David's comment on this)
2. pepperoni - (still will wait for a comment from David)
And the #1 food I love the most - Chips (the greasier and saltier the better)

Until the next blog and CHIPS AHOY ! !
Scott

Just one of those mornings

Ever have one of those mornings where nothing goes right and you just hope that today "picks up a little"....even just deviate from the morning just a little. I sure the hell hope that it today. Let me break down what has happened since I woke up at 6:50am.

Times are approximates.

6:51 - Dog would not pee...that put me behind right off the bat

6:55 - drop the shampoo in the shower. While bending over to get it, my ass hits the cold wall of the shower.

7:00 - The shirt that I was ironing in the dryer was not done yet...had to wait a couple of minutes.

7:02 - walk the dog again so she can go #2...she just ate. Decided not to wear shoes or socks...stepped in DOG SHIT. Guess I didn't pick it all up last night.

7:03 - washed my foot and got my pant leg wet

7:05 - finally sat down for breakfast (cereal)....waited too long to begin after pouring in the milk....SOGGY

7:10 - Get the catfood and going to feed them. Stepped on a tack in the garage...did I mention I still have NO SHOES ON ! ! !

7:18 - leave the house...no problems here

7:42 - arrive in the office

8:00 - need to make copies of SPC report....paper jams

8:05 - fix copying machine but for some reason....still senses paper jam.

8:10 - after 5 minutes of trying I go back to my office to print the report on my printer.

8:11 - NO MORE INK ! ! !

I hope everyone has a great day....I am not moving from my chair until 5:00pm.

Been a LONG TIME

Wow...it has been a long time since I last "blogged". So without further delay...I would like to give each one of you a taste of what has been going on in my life since my last "blog"....

here I go....(think, think).

NOTHING ! ! !

Just kidding. One of the more memorable events that took place was seeing my good friend - and his "marbles"- compete in the Triathlon at Clemson University. The event was Saturday morning and really was quite enjoyable...Especially when David came out of the water in his tri-suit...YUM.

Anyways...my wife and I spent the morning just relaxing as we watched the athletes compete in the "FU 3 times" events. All in all...it was a good day.

David really did very well...especially during that last little "bitch sprint" to the finish line....show off....(if you had that much more at the end...you left ALOT in the tank). What am I talking about...I am the one that cycles at a cool 15mph while David flys by me at 25mph...then waits...and repeats.

But to all of you as I close this blog...I will say one thing....

I will continue to entertain you with my blogs...you were not forgotton. Just that sometimes the hamster in my head "stops running on the wheel".

AND THE DEBATE GOES ON....

There are always decsions that everyone has to make during the course of a day. Several of these decisions are utimately made over the course of one's lifetime. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is more important than the dilemma I am about to present to you. Question will be supported by "more than ample" reasoning.

Question:

Would you rather use "pink cycle tires" or "blue speedos"?

Rationale:

There are two current views of thought...one by myself - a pink tire supporter - and one by my friend David (aka, the "marble bag" collector). Scoring is below:

1. Even though I do not have a pair of pink tires, mine do have a red perimeter color that will eventually...Yep, you guessed it, fade to pink. And I am OK with that becuase the tires rotate a at an "above average" speed therefore will look more like a "pink flash" that lighting sometimes has as it connects the ground and sky. Unlike my fellow counterpart, his blue speedos slowly (and I mean not as fast as a bike) drag through the waters of the YMCA pool so everyone can see - and clearly get a good shot of. So on this point alone the score is: PINK TIRES 1 - BLUE SPEEDOS 0.

2. Pink is found on the color wheel next to - or very close to - the color red...RED MEANS HOT ! ! ! Blue...blue is associated with COLD....hmmmm, in the color water and all of a sudden - BAM - "like a frightened turtle." PINK TIRES 2 - BLUE SPEEDOS 0.

3. Pink Tires would be the envy of Team Mobile. Just think if - when he was still riding - Jan Ulrich came to my house and asked to ride my bike. I know, not likely - but plausible. Blue Speedos....Greg Louganis? PINK TIRES 3 - BLUE SPEEDOS 0.

4. And the MOST IMPORTANT in making a decision between the two....You can't "see through pink tires" PINK TIRES 4 - SPEEDOS 0.

So with that brief analysis...I bid a "farewell" to the theory of wearing blue speedos. Unless of course my wife wanted me to secretely wear them one time as we role ..... Ah, Sorry, got side tracked.....

VIA LA PINK TIRES ! ! !

Pose pretty for the camera !

To my friend David....



George asked that I give you this photo. He posed really pretty for you.

On the "lighter side" of my ride...

As a followup to my previous post regarding "potholes" and "pinheads"...there was a comical side to what happened on my ride that didn't dawn on me until I was actaully done.

About 12 miles in I pulled into the "soccer facility" off of Anderson Ridge road so I could grab a quick snack. For people who do not know, this facility is a YOUTH soccer facility and contains - what I would guess - to be 10 fields. On this particular night there are several games going on and parents every where.

Anyways, as I stood there eating my bar and looking over the field of 8 to 9 year olds playing soccer...it dawned on me what I must have looked like.

Standing there - staring at these kids - with my cycling shorts (hiding no secrets) and my cycling jersey unzipped. No wonder why the parents were staring at me.

Potholes and Pinheads

Last night I went on a moderate bike ride and couldn't help but to think of the two things that bother me most about the road..."potholes" and "pinheads".

The potholes are frustrating enough. Do I move to the left or do I move to the right? Fairly simple decision and I am comfortable choosing either one. But the "pinheads"....completely different story. I will explain:

There were three instances last night on my 20 mile venture that stood out...all including "less that educated drivers" or "just plain idiots". I affectionately refer to these 3 types of people as "pinheads".

Encounter #1 - about 10 minutes into my ride a car was coming at me from the opposite direction. Obviosly no need to for this "male pinhead" to feel any threat from me on my bike. He slowed down and yelled out the window to "get my ass on the sidewalk". I shouted back with some "less than complimentary words" that he was basically an asshole. I can't remember what he was driving...some little piece of crap. If I threw the DMV manual at his car - you know the section about how bikes obey all rules that car do - it probably would have gotten stuck in the crack in his windshield. Undoubtedly formed by a past beer can he threw at it in a domestic dispute.

Encounter #2 - Same shit as point #1...different time....except a "beep" by a women....PINHEAD.

Encounter #3 - about 1 hour into my ride I was cruising down Anderson Ridge road...a moderate pace around 20mph. All of a sudden a car was right next to me. Because she was driving from behind me in the same direction, I didn't notice her until she was on my left hip....or at least 1 inch from it. I am NOT KIDDING about this when i say how close she was. Matter of fact she was SO DAMN CLOSE...she noticed that I was there and swerved into the other lane as part of a "reflex reaction". Guess what...this PINHEAD was on her cell phone driving to damn fast. It was TOO close...I went off the road....guess what...PINHEAD #3 never F$&^#%^ stopped ! ! ! !


Becare careful and Be Safe...their are alot of potholes out there...but MORE PINHEADS ! ! !